Well then..Giddy Up.

I realize it’s been a good while since I last blogged, and regret to inform you all that this blog is closely related to the last, so if you’re looking for a pick me up, you might want click out. Not to say that this is going to be depressing, I just want to talk about death. No biggie.

My day started today with every possible intention of getting up early to get ready, to eat breakfast, drink tea, and just sit and go over in my head the day I was about to have while I pet my cat. To much disappointment and a rousing chorus of “ah damn it”’s after realizing I had overslept, I put on a terrible pink ACU shirt complete with flip flops and way too baggy jeans only to get EVERY BIT OF IT SOAKED due to the monsoon that hit Abilene at 7am. Anyways, I got to school ready to tutor my brilliant young and aspiring musicians while trying not to FRIKKIN FREEZE to death. The day came and went as Fridays usually do. I went to cracker barrel and bought a wreath for my front door, came home and cleaned up, made myself a dinner of salad and stuffed mushrooms, and then made the fatal mistake of deciding to watch the finale of Six Feet Under. It is a series about a family owned funeral home and it is the most real, provocative, and beautiful piece of cinema I believe I have ever come across. Yes I did use all those adjectives.

I watched this entire season 2 summers ago by means of a very tight and strict cycle. Everyday was the same: wake up, work out, take shower, remain in towel, get food, get in bed, pop in a vicodin, watch an episode or 3, take nap, eat food (still in my towel btw), watch more episodes, take another vicodin, go to sleep, repeat. I had a lot of dental work done that summer which explains the painkillers. Actually that’s a lie I’d make a candy necklace out of vicodin if I could.

Anyways, sticking to a routine like that forms a special kind of relationship like it would with a person. Relationships can only be achieved by pursuit and time. I was in full pursuit of this series and never realized the lasting impact it would have on me. I know it’s “just a tv show”, but it was created by brains, hearts, and souls that cohesively bred this piece of art to touch the lives of its viewers and more importantly the lives that have known loss.

After I watched this finale again, after sobbing for the entire episode, I began to dwell and ponder over a death I feel I haven’t truthfully grieved over nor even really expected to. It is the death of my Great-Grandmother Callie Doughdrill. As you could assume I am named after her and because of this name was bestowed a “connection” to her or whatever you want to call it. Being the namesake which was always intended to be an honor sometimes felt like a burden. Actually a lot of the time it did. Sometimes I felt like I was being presented as a peace offering. My mother would call me sometimes with things like “Nannie is having a sad day, it would mean so much to her if you went to see her.” I forgot to mention that Nannie was in her 100’s. What am I supposed to do and say to a century old woman? And why have I built up such negative feelings about being Nannie’s dose of happiness? Because everything about my relationship with Nannie had nothing to do with what I wanted, which I eventually figured out was the whole point. It was never going to be about what I wanted, and nothing in life EVER will be after you have discovered a Savior that in him holds all things together. After I figure out that I had to suck it up, my perception about my role in Nannie’s life began to change. I started to look forward to seeing her and spending time with her. So many times I drove past her retirement home reaaallllyyy wanting to go to the mall, and halfway down the road would turn around to go in and see her because I could tangibly feel the spirit tugging me to do so. When Nannie finally passed away this May at nearly 103, I felt at peace-it was her time and as far as others were concerned it was well past her time. It was time for her to go. We will always wonder though why she lasted so long? And what exactly was my relationship with her all about?

My times with Nannie, just me and Nannie, were ALWAYS pleasant. She would always want me to sing and we would sing whatever song she wanted. She told really great stories and best of all we would eat chocolate frozen yogurt while I listened as she devoured not only her own but my full cup of yogurt as well. She weighed less than a Chicken Express box but could eat you out of house and home.

After I finished the episode tonight, I got in my car and drove to campus, and then was immediately overwhelmed with grief. I think it was because of the rain. The rain made me remember how when the weather changed Nannie would always get cold and she would be covered in layers of clothes and blankets, and as I was driving I wanted so bad to go visit her because a night like tonight would be one that she would want and need my company. I’ve never felt such a desire to be with her like I did tonight, and that is what makes grieving so hard- that you’re filled with emotion, desire, and regrets that you never expected you would.

As I began to think this all through in my head I was slapped in the face with Matthew 25. That our faith is shown by this: when the homeless man not 100 feet from a Christian university asks for food did we give it to him? that when a friends mother or a friends daughter is constantly hospitalized did we visit them? that when a neighbor is cold did we cover them? That when the elderly who have lost everyone including their own identity did we comfort them and give them hope? Shane Claiborne, a famous radical evangelist often quotes Mother Theresas motto, that we can “do no great things but rather small things with great love”. It is in this realization that I have such affection for my creator, that tugged and wooed and patiently put me into this relationship with my great-grandmother so that I could every now and then feed her when she was hungry, visit her when she was lonely, cover her when she was cold, and give her hope when there seemed there was none. I realize now that I did these things with great love. A love that is so thick in Nannies blood through her 5 generations. A love that I constantly pray would not be diluted by the next generation’s sin and self-righteousness- and ultimately a love that I pray will pass down to another 5.

Come unto me All ye that Labor

Well I am writing today with quite a heavy heart. Late Saturday night, our assistant band director took his own life. The first phase of silent shock was quickly stunted by witnessing my strongest, most stubborn teacher, break down in tears right in front of my class today. He was so upset that he had to dismiss us.

I can seek the Lord in death, in suffering, in sorrow, but suicide? The bible doesn't say a single word about it, it only speaks of giving life. I will not allow myself to believe the Devil won. God Damn him for persuading David Jones that his life was not worth living. I feel so much compassion for those he was close to, and all of the guilt and sorrow that will inevitably follow. The questions and regrets of only knowing him closer, would he have still done this.

I can't even imagine the kind of hopelessness that David felt. The kind of darkness and evil that consumed him in that moment makes me want to throw up. I am completely sickened by the devil. The anger I feel towards Satan is almost unbearable.

I pray with everything that I am that we hold on to each other and turn to God and not away from him in this moment. We cannot let Satan win. I pray sincerely that God shed his love and mercy on David.

Every moment I have ever felt this weight on my heart, my soul rests on Matthew 11:28-

"Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest"

I must ask that we hold fast to our Sovereign Lord in defeating the devil daily, and that we not forget that it is a constant battle.

HERRRROOOO

Remember that time that I got super excited about starting a new blog with the intention of writing one daily? Yeah I don't either.

Well I'm sittin here on my fluffy bed in Abilene about to rest my head for hopefully a good nights sleep, but I make no promises.

This weekend was Easter and it was as typical as a Massey holiday could get. After just barely missing a huge thunderstorm I arrived in Harker Heights by 9:30 Friday morning, and immediately crawled in bed. That is what we Masseys do. I take my spot on my parents bed with my mom, bubby and daddy sit in a chair, we order pizza hut, and watch the most recent illegally downloaded movie from bubbys collection. bubby and i spent a good amount of time trying to figure out a cool way for me to create a tutorial video for my kids, but realized in order for it to be really cool it would take TIIIIIME which callie no has.

So since I last wrote a lot of crazy exciting things have come my way. I got hired as the freshmen Music Theory, Sight Singing Ear Training, and Piano tutor. I also got hired to work at the front desk of the music building. And of next year I will be the peer leader for the new Cornerstone class, which is just a class for freshmen to help them adjust to college life. Last week there was an audition Scholarship competition held, I auditioned....and WON! woohoo!!

I gotta say though that my heart is starting to get a little heavy as they year comes to a close. my best friend here KrisAnn will be graduating and I have NO idea what I'm going to do without her. This summer I'll be working the ACU Leadership camps, and I already know that it is going to test me and bless me like no other.

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So the man who I thought I was going to marry is getting married this Saturday and I would like that day to go ahead and just be over with. Last week he called me by accident, and every single night since then I have had a dream about him and its getting reeeeeeaaaalllllly old.

I realize I was never in love with this guy, but was completely consumed with the idea of him. I have asked the Lord to break me of this, to tear down anything that is preventing me from moving forward. It is so, SO easy to get into this mindset that, "if anyone deserves to get married it should be me" yadda yadda yadda. But God has his hand in this, and he has chosen to bless him in this way, and has chosen me to wait.

I have been patient, oh yes, I have, and I am now getting to the point where the weight of waiting on the Lord is physically painful. This week is going to be rough. I pray that God will work and chisel away as I endure all these emotions once again.

I am so, so sick of being "that girl" that everyone wonders why I'm still single, that I deserve a wonderful man blah blah blah. I'll get one when I'm supposed to. My PROBLEM is that I am arrogant, and I am EXPECTING it, and I really really need the Lord to shake me of that. I am owed nothing and deserve nothing.

Anywho, if you are reading this, pray for me.

Night Night.

Mauve Antarctica

Hello blog ones.

The title of my blog is a song composed by Thomas Newman(the greatest movie composer our world has ever known). All a matter of opinion of course. I am playing Thomas Newman today because it is cold and rainy outside and I am drinking Creme Brule Coffee. If you are smart enough to start listening to Thomas Newman you will understand why I put that combination together. hint hint.

Well let's start with last weekend.

Last weekend Mom, Bubby and I went to Jackson, Mississippi. Dad couldnt go cuz he actually cares about his job. psht. A family friend was getting married, and as a plus our aunt and uncle Patti and Charles live there. (Moms brother and wife)

Jackson Mississippi is my favorite place to be in the whole world. The weather is always nice, and it usually rains when we are there, which is my favorite weather. We have spent every thanksgiving for the past bagillion years at their home and it seems like it gets better every year. They have a huge beautiful warm home to make us comfortable with the cold rainy weather. Every morning begins the same. I am usually the last to wake up but this year it will not be the case since I am all disciplined and crap. I wake up to the smell of Patti's sausage pinwheels and coffee and various other breakfasts she makes. There is always an option of pumpkin muffins, biscuits, bacon, and all that good mess. After breakfast I MIGHT take a shower but chances are slim. We all join together in the living room for a full day of football, endless cups of coffee and chex mix, books, and Lord of the Rings movies. this routine repeats for each day. On thanksgiving day we eat our usual meal and depending on the year we watch the A&M and UT game. Uncle Charles and Bubby will spend their time screaming at the screen, mom and patti will be reading a book. cousin lindsey and I will spectacte the hilarity and Dad will pretend to know what hes doing by repeating everything Jonathan and Charles say, in LENGTH, mind you.
JONATHAN: "WHAT A CRAP CALL!"
CHARLES: "HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?!"
BOB: "YEAH HOW STUPID! THAT DUMB REFEREE NEEDS TO GO HOME...WHAT A PIECE OF...YEAH...zzzzzzzzz"
and by this time some team will have already made another down and the situation that charles and bubby were so offended by will have passed 15 minutes ago. This to me makes the whole game.

On thanksgiving night the daddys and the children go to a movie. the kids are now all in our 20's but it probably wont stop us from seeing the new Jim Carrey christmas carol, which by my guess will be a total waste of time.

...................

This weekend I came home again. Cant seem to stay in Abilene for a weekend. i wonder why that is?....i came home this time so my matronly mother could hem my choir dress. it was an entire foot too long. Thank you genetics.

The Lord is really challenging me right now and it is absolutely NO FUN. good thing i realize now that it's not supposed to be. ugh, whatever Lord. Fine I'll sit here and wait for you to reveal whatever the crap you feel like you need to.

I have to leave home early to drive back to Abilene in time for my 6pm shift at Outback. I neeeeed strrrrreeeeeength cuz callie no like that place.

alright everyone, have a wonderful sunday!

Here is a pic with friends Hannah Anderson(also 3rd cousin on daddys side) and Elizabeth Fike from first year in Abilene.

As the Mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his People

Hellooooooo everybody. Hope you are having a wonderful day and it's not hot as balls where you are like it is in Abilene right now. Sorry, hot as "berrs".

The title of my blog is from a song I love to sing at chapel. its from psalms. i love you king david, you crazy freak.

Anyways, I dont even remember when I wrote last.

Tuesday was a good day, it was pretty easy besides having to deal with my GOD AWFUL bible class. WHY is it at ACU that they hire terrible teachers?!

I took alot of naps on tuesday, it was glorious. Then Tuesday night I had my friend David over for dinner and I made poppy seed chicken and it was a smashing success.

.................

Right now i'm in that awful bible class and I am running out of websites to surf while i'm purposefully NOT paying attention.

Anyways I'm kind of drawing a blank.

I was reassured yesterday that God is faithul and they were NOT joking when they wrote that his mercies are new every morning.

Later haters.

Oh, and here is my random photo for the day; this is something I'll do for every blog. This is my friend Michael and my best fwend Emily.

Catface Meowmers

Helloooooo Everybodyyyyy!

I deleted my other posts because when I read them I annoyed myself. Time for a fresh new start.

To all of you who are new to my blogs.....Hello. We all have a little stalker within us, who like to snoop in on people's every day lives without them knowing, so now is your chance. If you're REALLY into that, Facebook is perfect for you, especially you older folk ;-).

Now to explain the title and description of my blog.
1. "Berrs"- this is how an asian would say the word "balls". Balls is my favorite word in the English language. Combined with my love for how asians pronounce "l"'s, this is what you get. techinically it would be "barrs" but its not as funny. bubby and i like to replace it with random words in music and poems. example:
"i'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here are my berrs"

2. Hope Faith Life Love-self explanatory

3. Hydrocodone-ONLY THE GREATEST THING EVER. i could pop those suckers like candy if my conscience would let me.

4. Maury Washington-the man who saved my life and made me hott. there was this one time that i gained a buncha weight, and Bubby and I hired this man to kick our asses 3 times a week. He is the greatest. Sadly I no longer have him cuz I moved and I'm broke.

Anyways.
I went home over the weekend and I bought a cat. Or, mom and dad bought a cat, rather. A common trend when there is a void or setback in a friendship or relationship is that I purchase a cat and it heals me every time. So far the number is at 2 and I hope to Jeebus it stays that low. The first one is Izzy who lives at home with our dog Baby Fart and the ear bitten cat Pisshead whom Bubby has so affectionately renamed "Van Gogh".
This time around I decided to bring my new adpoption to Abilene. Her name is Catface Meowmers, I've decided to call her Meowmers for short. The Massey Family have a past of having basically crappy cats. Izzy is super sweet but she's not a lap cat. The Lord has blessed me with Meowmers because SHE IS A LAP CAT praise God. She is more of a face/neck cat actually. My nightly routine I crawl in bed and set the laptop on my lap and she likes to sit underneath my chin and try to type with me. When I get ready in the mornings she sits on my shoulders and rubs on my face. When she is not being a sweetheart she is A COMPLETE PSYCHO. She sprints across the room and claws at everything imaginable and it drives me crazy. So, my next purchase will be a sedative I can put in her food which will hopefully calm her down.

Anywaaaaays.

For those of you that don't know, I went back to being a music major and I am pretty much kicking everyones butt in most classes. thank you thank you. I have the highest grade in Theory, Piano, and Ear-Training. Yesterday I set an all time record in a music theory keyboard test, playing 5ths in 4 seconds and we had to do it in 30. if that was all greek to you, just ignore it. anyways, so yay me, and thank you to my loving Jesus who talked me into going back to music.

Sunday night I had my first experience with Lifegroup which is a group of college students from the Southern Hills Church of Christ that meet to eat, chat, and sing and occasionally talk about Jesus but this particular night all we did was sing and it was AWESOME. i am not particularly a fan of So. Hills on sunday mornings and wed nights, but i guess i'll give it some more shots.

Monday was an easy day. I went to class, made spaghetti for my friend Grant who just got done taking the LSAT, then I played with Meowmers for most of the free time.

Still praying that I can find that tree that grows money.

Here are some pictures of my Catface for your viewing pleasure:


I'll post about my day today, tomorrow. Later!